I started this tradition last year where I would write down a few messages for the coming year. Partly because I wanted to follow them, and thereby telling the world about the same would be a great motivation. And partly because I thought that somewhere down the lines, these messages were relevant. If people could grasp even a tinge of it, I guess the part of my soul which is a writer would be satisfied.
So this time, owing to the year-end circumstances I wanted to write and share stories about waiting and love till death.
A lot of people don’t know, but this entire year I’ve been struggling to keep my blog alive. Honestly, I admit, I’ve failed. I was caught up with other things to the extent that for the past few months I didn’t think about writing at all. So, one random day an email arrived in my inbox from WordPress where I currently host the site which stated that my blog was set to renew in a months’ time.
And I was like ‘why should I even renew my blog when I don’t even write anymore?’.
I almost felt like I’ve given up writing as my hobby. I didn’t have ideas popping into my head, the rush of emotions or the urge to write something as I did back in the early days when I commenced this small venture of mine. So, the question of whether to renew the blog or not, a trivial problem, kept on nagging me, haunting me for days.
An easy solution to the problem would have been to renew it anyway, even if I didn’t write or do so occasionally. This blog of mine has given me so much- new friends, job opportunities, appreciation and on the top of that, the pride of being called a writer. A good writer.
But I couldn’t do that you know. Renewal isn’t free. It costs money. I wouldn’t put my parents hard earned money on something which I genuinely didn’t want to pursue, the feeling of which would cloud my thought process every day. The feeling of telling everyone that you are doing something but, in reality, you are just faking it is nothing less than a burden on your shoulders that awaits to be shrugged off.
I thought about the renewal of my blog a lot. I contemplated a lot. I asked for suggestions from a lot of people. And the reason you able to read something on it right now is because I renewed it.
I renewed it with high hopes, hoping to start fresh.
Throughout the entire time what dictated my thought process, what made my decision biased towards the renewal of the blog had everything to do with my first love, writing. Maybe that’s the reason I couldn’t give it up at all.
There’s something about first love you know, you can’t really leave it. Even if it hurts you, even if you are done with it, you know it made you grow; so rather than resenting it, I guess we all should acknowledge it even more, whether it lasts or not.
What I understood is that there are phases in your life when you are caught up with other things, when ideas won’t spark or you would be just lazy to pursue it any further. But never mistake those times for the feeling that your love for your passion or person has dissipated. Often a lot of times people mistake the waiting period as a period of failure and give up easily. But don’t do that.
I remember watching this interview of BTS where the leader of the group Rap Monster said, ‘There are times when we just don’t do anything. We come to the studio, we listen to music, we talk and then go back home. Those are the period of waiting. As an artist, you should always realize that you can’t keep writing or producing music all the time. It comes naturally and it comes with a phase in life. But just because you are waiting for something to happen never ever means that you are bad at it or a terrible failure at it’.
So, the first message for 2019 is:
Never mistake the period of waiting as a period of failure or incompetence.
The second message is somewhat correlated to the first message I wrote: when you love something or someone, love it or them unconditionally because you never know when they are going to pass away and all you would be left with is the fleeting memories of being “us”, or being “complete”.
I don’t know if you guys read it or not but Indonesia was struck by tsunami recently. A band named seventeen was playing. It was an open-air concert. The tsunami ripped the band apart. Three out of the four bandmates died. The only survivor Riefian Fajarsyah’s wife died too. She died a day before her 26th birthday.
“(She) was not perfect and neither am I, but she never stopped trying to be the best wife. I could not ask for more.” Fajarsyah said in his emotional online tribute.
Somewhere down the line, this incident stuck in my head and I kept thinking about it on and on. I still do as I write this post.
I’ve always believed that life has hardships and let’s put it straight we all have to face it. The intensities may differ but we all suffer at a point in time or another. The only way out of it is to love something or someone unconditionally because you never know when they’ll be gone.
So the second message fro 2019 is none other than Katy Perry’s song:
Lastly, my humble and deepest condolences to all the Indonesian people who lost their family members and loved ones. RIP.